I don’t want to forget all the little things that happen and make me inexplicably happy  to be with you. When you hugged me hard and kissed me because you were so happy you got into your class. When you squeezed me tight and laughed and said I love you so effortlessly and naturally I couldn’t contain a smile. Whenever you reach for my hand to hold it. When you tell me I’m pretty. When you wake up me up to kisses. When you ask me to stay in the morning. When you say you loved spending all weekend with me. When I was upset with you and you said that you loved me. When I was upset and you rubbed the back of my neck and said I can’t be mad because you know I like that. When you say you miss me. When you walk through my doorway and kiss me before saying anything. When you make me watch my step. When you wrap your arms around my stomach from behind. All of these things and moments I don’t want to forget. 

I love-

- Your teeth

- Your hands that fit nicely with mine, or at least I think so

- Your laugh when it’s a real one, because it’s carefree like a child’s

- That you’re oh so very confident (not to be confused with your cockiness)

- That you text me first

- Your long eyelashes & eyes (like everyone else, but I believe I love them differently)

- How inexplicably happy I become when you step through the doorway

- How incredibly attractive you look in a sweater and jeans

- How you wake up in the middle of the night and kiss me subconsciously

- How you look when you say “I don’t think you understand…”

- When you squeeze me hard and give me a kiss before you open your eyes

- When you rub the back of my neck like you did on one of our first walks

- When you make fun of me, then try to make up for it with little nice kisses

- Dat facial hair, doe

- That you make an effort to listen to all my useless stories

- When you tell me you missed me/will miss me

- When you kiss me long and hard before we even talk

- That you like to kiss my neck and bite my ear

- That you talk when we have sex (I actually like that a lot)

- Your stomach

- Your unexpected aggressive kisses

- Our walks

- How you look in snapbacks

- That you waited the longest time to kiss me

- When you kiss my forehead

- That I secretly hope you’ll never stop trying to kiss me in public, even though I say no

- That doing almost anything with you makes me happy

I hate being this involved. I made a point to not be this involved, because I knew this would happen. I knew I knew I knew. I’m dumb I’m dumb I’m dumb. You never cared. You tried.  I can’t say that because I can’t let you sound nice right now. I need to villainize you to the point that I don’t recognize my feelings any longer. My hearts in pieces for so many reasons, and you did not care to pick them up. A simple text would have sufficed, WHICH SOUNDS SO PATHETIC I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S THE TRUTH. A text is all I need and it’s not there and I hate that I’m like this. So many times I listened to you because I cared, not because I had to. I wanted to know how you were feeling. I wanted inside your head. It clearly made you feel a little better to talk, so I was more then ready to listen. As soon as I needed you, just to listen because there was truly nothing you could do, you didn’t. You knew how much I was hurt, and simply left me to feel it fully. YOU could have made it better. YOU could have talked to me and just let me ramble until I talked myself out and didn’t have anymore stress. I just wanted to tell you.  YOU could have help but that was too much. I’m sorry if this stressed you out. My life gets complicated because I’m an actual person, not just a face that listens and a body to use. My sincerest apologies. 

Every love song makes my eyes well up.

I was upset, and you came from the cold night into my room and surprised and held me with your cold hands and talked me out of my insecurities. You assured me that your feelings were true, and that you meant I love you. You gave me kisses that always now feel like home, and you stayed awake talking with me until early in the morning. We slept for only a few hours, but whenever we do I never really sleep. I just wait to wake up to you and for you to kiss me even before you can open your eyes for the day or speak. You squeeze me tight and then I break away to get ready for the day because I hate you seeing me without makeup on. I wake you up to go for breakfast and we both get dressed. Breakfast is a comfortable quiet where nobody has to actually speak, just make side comments and gather consciousness. We then get ready to go on the train and you’re still tired while of course I’m wide awake. Yet you’re still sweet and put your arm around me on the way there, and sneak small kisses which I could only do for you in public. We walk around a bright mall and talk, like our walks used to be when the weather was nicer. You smile, I laugh. We get back on the train, both of us in a sleepy stupor from the small sleep we had gotten before. You put your arm around me and I lean into you, holding your other free hand, your head leaned against mine. There is an elderly couple now, so I feel uncomfortable kissing you, so you just kiss my cheek hard, and I tell you stories, rambling on about nothing looking out the window while you sleepily listen. I rub your hand and you squeeze mine and I swear I’ve never been happier then this.

I’d miss you. I’m much better at being lonely.

I finally find someone I really like, and I don’t find him attractive. He is absolutely perfect in every other way, but that. And I’m a pathetically vain person. And this is a mean joke. And every attractive person I’ve met is no fun and doesn’t have my sense of humor and it’s bland and he’s just too good and talks with me all night about nothing and we stayed up all night and walked around minneapolis and he holds doors and he compliments me without making me uncomfortable and he’s incredibly funny. And here I am unsure. Ridiculous. This is life.

Tell me, did you find yourself a shooting star, one without a permanent star, and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

- A sense of humor similar to mine, aka thinks the stupidest shit is funny

- Smokes weed, don’t ask me why this is a requirement. No one knows

- Gets along with my family, self explanatory

- Wants to see me succeed in my own life and aspirations

- Listens to good music, but isn’t an ass about it

- Will rap lines of dirty songs with me

- Will curl up in my bed with me when it’s cold

- Will understand I’m extremely insecure, and knows how to handle that delicately

- Loves to celebrate holidays and birthdays as much as I do

- Wants to explore the world with me

- Likes to eat, and try new places

- Makes me feel protected

- Makes me feel safe when we go out

- Grabs my hips or hands briefly when we walk

- Likes to go on walks, especially at night

- Is proud to tell his friends he’s with me

- Truly finds me beautiful in every way the word could express it

- Opens doors, wants to pay, not that he will every time, walks me to the door

- Gives me his coat when it’s cold

- Makes me feel like a lady

- Is respectful and kind to strangers

- Is different then me in various ways and wants to introduce me to new things

- Will surprise me with random things, notes, letters, etc. 

- Wants to go out, but also wants to just doze and watch movies while it’s cold out

- Wants to do cheesy shit like go sledding and carve pumpkins, and kiss me at midnight

- Dresses nicely

- Has a calming presence, because I have the exact opposite, anxious presence

- Nice hair

- Is intelligent

- Has nice forearms 

- Says stupid witty things, and teases me

- Can integrate with my friends when we go out

- Stands up for me, but calls me out on my shit, too

- Is taller then me, meaning 6’ or above

- Texts me not to start a conversation, just random nothings that remind him of me, or that something funny happened, etc.

- Is my best friend