It must be wonderful to get ready for somebody. Thinking ‘they would like this on me’ or, ‘they said I looked good in this’. It also must be wonderful to always have a content feeling in your heart that no matter what, somebody will be happy to see you over anybody else. To have a spot on their chest that feels empty when your head isn’t there to rest on it. To have somebody to bring everywhere that you know everyone will love and get along with. To have somebody that’ll always call and text you, just because they thought of you. It must be wonderful to have someone.

-find true friends -travel -get a good job -become a better public speaker -try foods I would normally never try -start feeding my body, not my mind’s every desire -enjoy the outdoors more -lose myself a little bit -swim more often this summer -be genuinely kind to everyone

This is your life. Don’t take that statement too lightly, because I said it’s your fucking life. Life is thrown around too much. Do people know how precious everyday is? When your older, you are going to wish you did everything you had the oppurtunity to. Fuck television, fuck being bored. I’ve honestly just had an epiphany. Life I’d said to be valued in our society, but is taken too lightly. Excuse me for saying that I’m going to squeeze every oppurtunity and experience out of my time, I refuse to settle and live with regret. To feel too much, or be too passionate, I believe that’s when life will really hit you.

I hate feeling ugly. I understand everyone feels ugly. I understand that there are people out there that have disformities, are incredibly disfigured, ect. but I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m being ridiculous when I say I can’t see anything that pretty when I look at myself. I see so much beauty in everyone else around me, and it makes me sad that this is the only way I’ll look, ever. I want high cheeckbones, olive skin, thick dark hair and eyebrows, thin lips and a beautiful defined and refined nose, and whispy limbs and a curvy figure. But I can’t have all of that. It’s impossible. I think about it so hard sometimes it literally makes me want to cry. Natural beauty is honestly the one thing I would consider doing terrible things for. I’m that vain. It makes me sick thinking about it.

In my life it seems like there was always a steady flow of guys to keep me occupied. Now, I feel like that aspect of my life is at a stand still. When I explain this to people, I get the same response in different terms, but basically all consists of “you have all your other stuff going on, focused, intimidating to the opposite sex, no time, too mature. I didn’t realise these were all reasons for me to not find somebody that likes me, though? Shouldn’t all those things add up to a greater desire? I know this is said by women all the time, but is never talked about. Why do I have to be either easy, lost and confused, or obnoxious and vapid to be liked by a boy? I sound old and Miranda-ish. sigh

All I want is somebody’s chest to lay my head on and fit perfectly into the concaves of their body when we lay on a couch. Oh, and all that emotional ish tied in.